We all talked about the hype of Chris Brown and Rihanna when he beat her ass early this year.  They were a young, successful, wealthy, and attractive couple.  How could he hit her?  Chris basically got off with some probation and community service, and both Rihanna and Chris are on a “stay away” policy for 5 years where they are both unable to contact one another.  Many are upset with RiRi’s decision to not press charges… but people have to understand that there’s a dynamic involved when one survives abuse and unfortunately, Rihanna is still coming to term with what happened to her.  We shouldn’t scrutinize her though. People actually had Breezy’s back in this situation to the point where they were justifying what happened as if it was her fault he made the mistake.  No bitch… calling out your ex-girlfriend’s name during sex with your new girlfriend is a mistake.  Beating someone’s ass is a CRIME. 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: [doe-mess-tick vie-o-lence] 

The expression of power and control by someone over another through violent actions of physical, emotional, sexual, and psychological abuse. Domestic Violence is a major epidemic that lurks behind closed doors of every age, sex, culture, socioeconomic status, religious affiliation, relationship status, and the list goes on. DV does not discriminate… and it can happen to YOU or someone you love.  DV most often is brought on by people the victim knows, such as a spouse in a marriage and most recently, abuse in teen dating has become a very serious issue as it relates to involvement with drugs and alcohol use.  In the Healthy People 2010 Initiatve, America will be addressing 10 major health concerns of the public, including injury and violence. Education on this issue has to start NOW. In the two hours that I will spend blogging about Domestic Violence in order to educate you and spread awareness, approximately 480 Americans (mostly women and children, but also men) will feel the back of someone’s hand across their face, be thrown up against the wall, choked, dragged down the stairs, stabbed, burned….. must I go on? 

Let me set the tone for you.  Grab some tissues and listen to this actual 911 phone call placed by a 6 year old girl, in 1991, watching her step father beat her mom. The images were re-enacted for further sensitivity to DV:

Allow fem-fATL to share some statistics from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:

• One in Four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.  Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.
• An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

Could this be your sister?

• The majority (73%) of family violence victims are female. Females were 84% of spousal abuse victims and 86% of abuse victims at the hands of a boyfriend.
• The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.
 

Could this be your mom?

In the state of Georgia
• There were 54,010 reported cases of domestic violence in 2006. Children were involved in 19,524 (36%) of these incidents and were present during 10,671 (20%) of the 54,010 cases.
• 33% of reported domestic violence cases ended in an arrest brought against the offender. 14% of reported cases resulted in no action being taken.

Could this be your friend?

 • 1,992 forcible rapes were reported in Georgia in 2006.
• 32% of domestic violence-related incidents were committed by a present or former spouse.
• There were 55 domestic-violence related homicides in 2006. 45 of these crimes were committed by men and 10 were committed by women.

Could this be your daughter?

Psychological- Victims of DV are constantly beaten with negativity and meant to feel inadequate.  “You’re stupid, ugly, worthless… no one is going to want you.”  People they initially loved are reiterating all these verbally abusive statements that inherently cause them to feel inferior to their partner. Recidivism in domestic violence cases equals 7.  That means that a woman (or man) will go back to a violent partner on an average of 7 times before she either dies or seeks help.  “What the hell is wrong with her?  If a man ever laid a finger on me, I would be done.”  Yeah.  I’m sure you have said that with conviction at some point in your life or heard someone else claim that.  I know I have.  Ideally, you should leave a situation immediately if a man touches you incorrectly, no matter how little of an offense because those are signs of explosive behaviors.   However,  I’m sure you have also said or heard, “If a man ever cheated on me, I would be done.” or “If a man was just trying to have sex with me with no relationship, I would be done.”  How many females do you know have stuck by a man’s side even when the man fucked up in a “normal” relationship?  Although abuse is not normal to those of us who have never experienced this violence, there is a normalcy for some women who have.  Usually the man will come back the next day with some promises of change and kiss her ass to the point that she believes things are going to change.  How many of you have had a guy fake cry and show his ass out to get back in good with you?  DV perpetrators are notorious for their charming abilities.  This is all a part of the psychological pattern that repeats itself and continues to lock a woman in a violent relationship.

This picture upsets me.

Survival- Looking from the outside in, we must debunk our thoughts and realize that these women have LOST so much in their experiences with DV.  Someone they love or trusted has taken away their dignity, their self-esteem, their ability to sleep easy, their health, their safety, sometimes their children, their jobs, their freedom… their property.  Imagine losing all the important things in your life because someone else took them away from you.  One becomes property of the perpetrator in a sense.  She is trapped psychologically and financially often times.  It is a sad reality that some women take the easier way out of getting hit and getting the pain over with so that at least she can eat and sleep under a roof that he provides.  If a woman has children, she has to think about how they are going to survive on her lack of resources.  How hard would it be for you to get to work by foot, with a bloody eye, no sleep, depression, and no daycare?  She is starting from below ground zero… she doesn’t even have herself. 

no child can handle the pain or the witnessing of abuse.

Cultural/Religious-  All cultures have different customs and beliefs on dominance.  Typically, the male authority is the head of a household and therefore, what he says goes.  In some cultures, women are subject to housewivery and caretaking of children.  Their own reach for education and access to other resources becomes limited because the MAN takes care of that.  In some situations, this might work out but in DV situations, this further sets a woman back.  I mean, have you tried getting a job recently?  Shit is fuckin impossible with a degree… try no degree, no high school diploma, no job training, and no resume.  There may even be language barriers or confidence issues with blending in with American society, making the victim give up in her quest for help since the whole experience feels impossible.  Mind you her batterer’s negative words remind her that no one will want her.  In Hispanic/Latino communities (and other immigrant communities), some women are threatened to get reported to immigration and seperated from their children upon getting deported out of the country.  This is a major consideration in their fleeing amongst a batterer because they obviously don’t want to leave their children.   STUCK!  And furthermore, there is a religious aspect.  Many who confide in the bible, live by the bible, which says that a man is in charge and that a woman should follow his direction.  There have been several women who have turned to their clergy to pray for help and guidance.  Some women who confided in their clergy prior to returning  home, came home to their murdering.  Although religious figures are becoming more aware of biblical and politically right distinctions… there are plenty of women that stay for the sake of obediency to their God.  We can’t say “What the fuck?” to someone who has a faith, but we must realize that this is also a huge reality for victims of DV. 

When you think abuse ends with age and authority... think again.

THE POWER OF LOVE- Love can be a bitch.  It consumes us.  It makes us happy, it hurts us, it strengthens us, it weakens us.  Basically, it can’t make up its damn mind.  We have all experienced love for another person and we all know how strong this feeling can be.  Something that I always try to remember when people ask me for advice about relationships is that we can’t underestimate the power of love.  It is so easy to tell your BFF to leave her loser ass boyfriend, but really… who are we?  We don’t know what they have!  In a DV case, I’m not saying that beating someone is equivalent to love and respect, but I don’t want to knock any woman’s love for a man.  Although we look at these cases and can’t understand where the love is, we must not fail to acknowledge that we are commenting on very delicate and sensitive emotions of a woman who’s experience we have not endured.  For example, this woman may have experienced much worse DV relationships, maybe even as a child, so this current one is actually paradise for her?  Who knows? Violence may unfortunately be a normalcy in some victim’s relationships… so their view of love is much different from ours, but love nonetheless.

How could someone who loves you show you this much hate?

SYSTEM FAILURES- In a country where such occurrence of DV is prevalent, there is still a silence about this issue. For being a country with much more opportunity and resources, the 14th amendment of Civil Rights, people to translate in all kinds of languages, and various non-profit organizations that exist to assist these populations… America is slacking in the Human Rights Department. Why isn’t the public discourse taking advantage of all these opportunities? Our system is not impeccable, since we obviously have too many cases of DV still, but we definitely have a much better situation than countries in this world where women are still property of men, beat and raped in the streets daily, and undergoing female genital mutation. In my opinion, systems failures continue with the lack of funding and education on important social issues such as DV. There is already a financial drought in America with a high demand and low supply in the social issues arena. So, why aren’t we concentrating our money on more important issues instead of, for example, an 8 million dollar monkey exhibit extension to a California zoo? They weren’t even able to get the monkeys from China. What the fuck man? Seriously… Would you rather house a woman who’s husband is about to kill her or watch two monkeys jacking off to each other? Because our systems are not set up to handle these costly issues, women are having to jump through hurdles while fleeing to safety. Much like waiting in an emergency room while you’re having a heart attack … women are often put on hold for safety shelters and temporary restraining orders, and turned away by officials who think the women are making up stories. For one, there is a lack of awareness about DV, so people are not trained or prepared to handle this population with the knowledge and empathy needed to deliver. If people are not cognizant of this issue and the negative contributions that its effects add to the overall of society, how the fuck are we supposed to care enough to support and assist victims out of these situations? 

Don't let this happen to you or anyone else that you can reach out to

 WHAT ARE EARLY SIGNS OF ABUSE?  HOW CAN PEOPLE BE AWARE AND AVOID DV?

When these women first meet batterers, they never expect to find themselves in abusive relationships.  Typically the guy sweeps them off their feet and runs with them off into the sunset type of shit.  The batterer starts off with Prince Charming skills and play on weaknesses of the female who simply want a good man.  And as the fairy tale subsides, the signs start.  With the lack of awareness of DV, these signs can be hard to pick up on and cause victims to get sucked in the cycle of abuse.  You will now have the knowledge to know that these signs are not normal or healthy and are major indicators that this will evolve into more violent signs.  Domestic Violence does not get better, it gets worse. Pay attention to these signs, from HelpGuide.org, in your relationships and spread the knowledge, you could save lives.

 Does your PARTNER…

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?
• humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for his own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you? 
• threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• force you to have sex?
• destroy your belongings?

Do YOU…

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless? 

IF YOU SEE ANY OF THESE SIGNS…

………..you should really find the nearest exit and save yourself from a life of danger.  If you have children or want to have children, you will save them from either becoming future victims or perpetrators.  I repeat, THE VIOLENCE DOES NOT GET BETTER, IT GETS WORSE.  There is assistance out there if you find yourself in this situation or if there is someone you know that you suspect in this situation.  If you know someone in this situation, don’t cut off communication with this person at all costs.  Keep reaching out and being a support because it could be the last time you talk to them. Please take advantage of organizations and people that want to help… there is FREE, ANONYMOUS HELP available (counseling, legal advocates, case management, temporary assistance, shelters, transitional housing, clothing, childcare, job training, and support groups, etc.)  If you need more information on domestic violence…  please contact your LOCAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CENTER. 

THANK YOU… THANK YOU… THANK YOU… for your time and attention in this matter.  In my attempt to advocate for victims of Domestic Violence, please leave a comment with any thoughts, opinions, or concerns so fem-fATL can keep track of how many people were affected by this knowledge. Mahalkita. ♥