“She doesn’t look like me at all. His EX is not that cute…
Ugh, her hair needs to take a trip to the fckin salon. Man, she’s really not that bad. I wonder if she has a good personality. She probably does… I have no chance with him!” …
Thoughts that have run through my mind, your mind, yo mama’s mind, your great grand daddy’s mama’s mind….. and if you think I’m bullshittin’, then you are fckin’ psycho anyway. Some of us may think of these hater-ish thoughts a little more often than others, which is also borderline psycho, but hey! We do it. Females tend to analyze any other female that steps into the peripheral vision of their man. Hell… even if it isn’t our man, our territorial and competitive natures will still come up for some air. So, to prove the point that women are from Venus, I want to explore why women compare ourselves to our man’s EX and how to rid yourselves of this pointless, emotional garb.
the dude is into YOU for a reason that is beyond the importance of why he’s not with his ex. That should be your slap in the face saying “You got this!” But if you didn’t feel it, focus on you and determine why you were seeking re-assurance by comparing yourself to his ex. Are you insecure?
Why do we do it? Let me know your story on why YOU do it. Well, the general consensus is simple. We want to know that “we got this”. It’s almost as if we question ourselves for a moment and if we do our research on his ex, we can re-assure ourselves… or in some cases, disappoint ourselves. Basically… since the dude is not spilling his heart out to us in the first month that we met, our minds start to freak out and we want to stiffen any kind of possible competition- new and old. If we come to find out that we are some kind of “upgrade” from his ex, we usually feel better about ourselves. But, then we question whether he feels we are an upgrade. I mean, what does it sound like to you? Low Self Esteem, maybe? Ding Ding Ding! That is exactly what it is.
Put that low self esteem away for that creepy guy that you don’t want to build with or else the guy that you actually want will pick up on your insecurities and mad dash to the nearest exit… or his ex. ;o) Just kidding. The point is an ex is an ex for a reason.
Even if she was hot as hell, had buttloads of money, or that good S.E.X. there had to be something between the two of them that simply did not mesh.
Something that you can’t reveal by stalking her facebook or myspace (or googling their fckin names like a stalker). You are only going to see a representative of her, which who the fuck would represent themselves in a bad light? Seriously. I would not post a busted ass picture of myself and write in my About Me: I am the biggest bitch when I PMS. Would you? Neither would she. It is detrimental to your state of mind to compare yourself to a glamorized version of her. Just let it go! Let it go for you… let it go for him. He is not wasting time worrying about what areas your ex failed.
If he is giving you his time and rising to your standards, then the dude is into YOU for a reason that is beyond the importance of why he’s not with his ex. That should be your slap in the face saying “You got this!” But if you didn’t feel it, focus on you and determine why you were seeking re-assurance by comparing yourself to his ex. Are you insecure? If it’s something about you that you can fix, do it! Get rid of your tummy! White strip the hell outta your teeth! haha If you are sure its not YOU, ask yourself whether he is stringing you along for a no strings attached ride. Are you seeing that he is “BFF” with his ex? Are you still, after 92 days, 14 hours and 25 minutes later, not sure where his mind is at? Well, if you are asking these kinds of questions… then honey… you need to EX-it!
thanks just b for the advice. i hate to admit that im soooo good at the stalk-idge… and its such a problem for me. ur right about people presenting a glamorized version of themselves and that there being a reason people break up. i’m looking forward to more of your advice!
i think it’s very true that we compare ourselves to exes because of our competitive nature. we wanna make sure he’s ours and only ours! but one thing u didn’t mention is the fact that we want to know about the exes his rap sheet. basically, just like guys don’t wanna get with a hoe…i wouldn’t wanna get with a dude that’s been with 40 prostitutes plus 1 tranny! i don’t care if it’s his past. your past helps to create your future…the good and the bad.
but like you say, you’re only going to drive yourself crazy thinkin about his past. once you know about his past you have to ask yourself whether you can live it or move on.
It is definitely healthy, and absolutely sexy, to have a woman that is not at all intimidated by an ex. One thing men like about women is confidence. I am not saying that we want some egotistical hardcore feminist; but, I love it when a woman is not worried about any of my ex’s. It makes us men feel like we are with the right woman. If a woman is constantly complaining about an ex, this might make the man feel as if he made a mistake.
One thing I have learned from relationships is that most people like to do what they are told not to do. For instance, if a woman I am with is fusing about me hanging out with another woman, that, in turn, will make me want to see the woman. But, if a woman I am with is like, “It’s cool,” and doesn’t even sweat it, I probably (9 times out of 10) will not even hang out with the woman.
I think the same applies to men. Women love a man with confidence, a man who is not worried about another man. This also makes women feel like they are with the right man because in the end, it is all about self-esteem, and you are what you think, so think positive, be positive. Peace
Wow, I needed this article….I guess it happens to the best of us….boy did this article hit home..thanks “Just B”
Tin-Tin