hat, wig, glasses
still cannot disguise the naivety in those eyes
Look at me; after all, I was begging for attention wasn’t I? There I am, circa 15 years of age before oh so many things. I was so bored, but so easily amused by myself and the funny way I looked wearing different wigs. I was practicing my fem-fATL disguises; already a fem-fATL in the making. I think I was trying to look like JLo with one wig and Penelope Cruz with another.
I liked flirting with my webcam already. I blame my narcissism on being a Leo. I won’t deny it either. I’m not narcissist like I think I’m the bomb diggity; but growing up in front of a computer is like growing up in front of a mirror. It’s a ‘personal computer’ for a reason, it is a constant reflection of ME- everything I do and everything I create. Narcissism isn’t just something I posses, it’s a symptom of the digital age. I think we all are narcissists to some extent. Perhaps an anomaly, but I think narcissism is a good trait. Mainly because I think it promotes self-awareness.
Years later I can analyze this image. I can look at myself and I can see so much more than you can see. I can see my hopes and my desires. I see behind each goofy look and smile. I can measure and compare myself now and then. But maybe you can see the naivety in my eyes or in my young face; it’s not hard to miss. I look at myself now and damn it… I look the same. I might be grown up now, but I’m just as naive as I ever was. It’s a contradiction that I should know I’m naive. And still it doesn’t do me any good. I’ll try, like I have tried for so many years to stop biting my nails and break bad habits.
You can’t believe everything you see on tv… and on the computer screen.
they say that true artists save their first endeavors so as to track their progress (end goal) over their career – thus documenting their growth, change, and maturity in their craft in thought, innovation, creativity, outlook/world view and expression (amongst innumerable variables).
similarly should we, as growing, feeling, thinking, and dreaming artists of our own lives, bodies, and hopes to track our own progress… but more importantly, to make sure we haven’t strayed too far from our passion and the very essence of who we are.